Thursday, July 26, 2012

yesterday was hard.

Yesterday sucked. Big time. I had met up with my husband after work so we could go look at a camper. We are headed to the largest country music festival in the country next week and had been looking for campers for a million years. When I got in the pickup he handed me a bag. It was Piney’s tail and forelock. I quickly looked in the bag but then put it away. It smelled like him. He also showed me the box that had Piney’s hoof cast mold in it. I didn’t open that up. I really don’t know when I will be ready. When we got home I told him to just put them away somewhere.  I just don’t have the power to deal with them right now.

And then to make matters worse when I drove past the vet hospital where we took Piney the saddest song in America was playing. My chest felt like it was caving in, and I lost it. My mind started racing to all kinds of questions that are probably best left unanswered. Like did they cut off his tail before they put him to sleep or did they let him go with the dignity of having it? And I kept thinking of our final moments together. Like how I ran my fingers over his dimply pinfire marks one last time and how soft his nose felt when I kissed it for the last time. I need to not take that route home for a while.

When I got home I started doing a few things around the yard to get my mind off things, and then went to the barn to get the horse’s dinner ready. My hubby was mowing the lawn but stopped and came to the barn and told me to saddle up my horse, and that we needed to go for a ride. I of course made up excuse after excuse. “My stomach hurts”, “It’s getting late”, “I have a headache”, etc. But I finally gave in and saddled up. It really was a perfect night for riding. It had cooled off, and there were no bugs. Pistol tacks up like a dream, but he’s so damn tall. He’s sweetened up so much too. It’s like he finally realizes that this is his home and we are good people. Riding him is so different than it was riding Piney. When I ask for a walk I get a nice forward walk, instead of asking, then asking again, then asking with the whip and then getting a slow, pokey walk. He is going places when he walks! And when I ask for a trot I get it! I was able to keep up with hubby and Duke on our ride, instead of being 6 horse lengths behind like I would be with Piney. With Pistol I’ve noticed that he does try to see what he can get away with. He doesn’t try very hard or for every long, but he does try. He is definitely more confident leaving the farm with a buddy, but he will go out alone. I would feel confident putting a beginner on him. I confessed to hubby that I didn’t want to get too attached to him though because he’s older. But I think it’s too late I’m already getting attached. He is the sweet horse that we saw in the auction ring. He was just in some pain and needed some love. Getting his teeth done was the nicest thing that anyone had done for him in a long time. I’m sure that’s why someone dumped him at a few auctions. He was getting hard to catch and bridle because his face hurt. So it was easier to just dump him off and make a couple hundred bucks. Right now we could easily double or triple our money on him, but he was exactly what we were looking for. A well broke beginner horse that anyone could ride. We were nervous for a while when we got him, but he’s really become a sweet horse.

Each day is going to be a struggle. And I notice that my sadness comes in waves. I will be fine, then I will get hit with something hard and then I will be fine again. I know it will suck a bit less as time goes on, but I just miss him so much.


  1. Your husband sounds like such a good, strong person for you to have right now. It's fantastic that you got on Pistol, no better therapy than that. Speaking from the viewpoint of someone who has struggled tremendously with anxiety/panic disorder, it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak with your doctor about the turmoil your body is going through. Most people don't suffer so much physically when they're going through emotional situations so be sure to take care of yourself while you're going through the grieving process (for as long as it take). Good luck and take it one day at a time.

  2. Don't beat yourself up for grieving. Allow the waves to happen and then dissipate. Make sure you have happiness too, which it seems your Husband and Pistol can offer :)

  3. You are allowed to let yourself grieve. It's going to take some time to heal, you can't expect your heart to be fixed in such a short time. Your husband is there for you, we're here for you...and it seems as though Pistol is there for you too!

  4. Its okay to grieve, you loved him and he loved you, it is always hard to lose something you love. Pistol sounds ready to love you too.

  5. i totally agree, grieve away!! It's totaly normal and you need to get it out... I am sure that Pistol is there dying to love on you :) Sound like you have a great hubby as well!

  6. I just found your blog, sorry to hear of your loss. When you are ready, perhaps try doing some type of meaningful "memorial" of sorts, it has helped me in the past. Hope the good memories help you heal.