Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I'm still here.

Things have been going well for the most part lately. I have been having a lot of good days but obviously nothing gold can stay. It sounds horrible but if I don’t think about Piney my days go by a lot easier. Its not that I want to forget him or erase his memory, but If I don’t think about him I can handle each day better.

Last Friday I had a meltdown. The day started well enough, but after work I stopped by the vet to make a payment on my bill. Being in there made me pretty sad. Especially since I was dropping a ton of money on something I didn’t have anymore. Then when I got home I decided that I needed to get the horses wormed. They weren’t having any part of it. At. All. Duke was flying around the pasture like a kite, and Pistol decided to get head shy about the whole process. It made me miss my horse that probably would have wormed himself had he been born with opposable thumbs. He was such a rock star for anything you wanted to do with him. I don’t think I ever even put a halter on him to worm him.

 And then as a final straw I was going through the chest of drawers we have by the front entry way, and but had forgotten that is where I stashed Piney’s tail and the cast of his hoof. I caught a whiff of his smell and I lost it. I need to find a better hiding spot for that stuff until I am ready to deal with it properly. Not sure when that will be.

Most days I just go about my business, and things are fine. I miss Piney but I know that there is nothing I can do to get him back. I need to think about the good things and then move on, think about the future. I hate that my confidence in my riding is disappearing. Last night would have been a great night to saddle up and go for a ride. If I still had Piney I probably would have. But since I still don’t fully trust Pistol (even thought I really, really should) and I didn’t feel safe enough riding, especially since I was home alone. He’s also kind of foot sore, we went for a brief ride last week, and he was pretty ouchy on his toes. I’m waiting for my farrier to come out and trim him up. I hope it’s something as simple as him just needing a trim. The funniest part of that ride, even though I had to turn around, was that my barn cats followed me the whole way. I’ve had dogs join me on trail rides but NEVER 3 adorable kittens. Those little creeps better start sticking closer to home!

So that’s about it for now. Mostly I need to just get over it. I’m a better rider than I give myself credit for. Piney was my once in a lifetime horse. I lucked out with him and he was a saint when it came to riding. He needed me and I needed him and we were a great team. We had the same outlook on life with similar histories. Washed up has-beens. In our youth we were fine tuned at our events (his racing and my dancing). But we got older and we got hurt and we decided that a life of leisure was much more rewarding.  I’m hoping that the next OTTB that comes into my life has a similar outlook on life.


  1. You certainly don't need to "get over it"... take your time and be good to yourself. No one can tell you how long it might take to think abut him and not well up. I thoroughly believe that a lot of us are better riders than we give ourselves credit for, so do your two ponies well and get on a ride! Piney would want you to!

  2. Take as long as you need - not to get over your grief, but to integrate it into your everyday life. It will always be there, you just need to let yourself get used to it, like breaking in a new pair of boots.

  3. You have suffered a great loss. Give yourself some time. Eventually the sadness you are feeling will be replaced by all of your happy memories of Piney. Take care of yourself.